The thunder bolt of conflict carries the power of both destruction and creation. Conflict is the spark of life itself. Conflict demands that we respond. Instinct gives a choice between fight or flight, but the wisdom of our soul counsels that something more is possible.

Why do so many divorces turn into nightmares? How can we avoid making a catastrophe from what once was a loving union of hopeful romantics? What should men know about the rules of engagement in the theater of gender warfare? And what does it mean to be a father in the heat of a custody struggle?

A client was in my office the other day, trying to explain to her husband why she was leaving him. “You just don’t get it,” she said. “It’s not the money or the big house I wanted—it was you. I wanted someone to listen to me, someone who cared how much it hurt when my mother died, someone who didn’t think money was the answer to all of life’s problems. But you were always at the office. Or on a plane somewhere.”

Boiled down to the essentials, productive confrontation involves: (1) treating the other with respect; (2) having the courage to speak your truth—firmly, but kindly; and (3) being patient, because timing is everything. Practiced this way, confrontation has the power to turn lead into gold, just as the ancient alchemists promised.